i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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