She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
