Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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