I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
