I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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