she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
