he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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