just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
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