just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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