I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Randomize
