There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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