I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
