there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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