i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
