I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
