At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
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Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
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I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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