No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
