This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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