i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Randomize
