i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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