When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
