You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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