Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
It's shark week go big or go home
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
