Dude my mom stole all your condoms
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
