There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
