i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
