I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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