Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Randomize