I just made out with a guy for $7.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Randomize
