Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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