do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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