She is in my trunk
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Randomize
