Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
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