i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
