when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
