I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
