I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
