i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
She's the barista slut.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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