Got a toothbrush?
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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