I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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