I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
