Dual....:-)
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Randomize
