you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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