so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
