my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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