he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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