Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
