I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
