The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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