The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
