Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Randomize
